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ilanthefirst


Hello My Name Is Ilan Reshon

The rest is history.


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T update: ten months
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ilanthefirst
For reference, months nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one.

It's been seven weeks since my last update, but I've only advanced a month on T.  I took a break for three weeks for reasons outlined here and elaborated on my feelings about it here.  There's pretty much been radio silence since then because I didn't feel like writing.  /-:  But I started again (on the same dose, one 1.25 g pump of Androgel 1% daily, applied to my hips and butt) three weeks ago.  I changed my application site to areas where I actually have some fat deposits because right before my break I got a levels check and was at 264 ng/dL, which is arguably in the "normal' range for a male.  (I was a few days into the break when I was informed of the lab test results, so I don't think it had any impact on my decision to take a break).  I don't have a whole lot in the way of body fat, and most of it's in my butt, chesticles, and resting on my hip-bones, so I wonder if applying it to my thighs was causing a higher effective dose based on what got into my bloodstream.  Impossible to say, so I switched to fattier areas just in case it contributed to feeling like changes were happening to fast.

Emotions:
The first week or so off T was actually pretty good.  I felt confident and like it was the right thing to do.  Things went downhill after that.  I was overwhelmed with anxiety and struggled to make even simple decisions.  I was reminded of pre-T, how I struggled with choosing what to order off a menu, and how the impulsiveness I was warned about came in the form of not sweating the small stuff.  After about a week of that, I'd pretty much worked through my reasons for wanting to take a break in the first place but felt obligated to wait a while so I wouldn't be shocking my system too much by going off and on again in too short a time.  I held out for a total of 20 days before I somewhat more literally than I'd like broke down and started again.  It was emotional and not pretty.

Acne:
My acne started healing a little, especially on my back and shoulders, when I was off T, but I wasn't expecting any significant change because it was bad pre-T anyway.

Voice:
I was paranoid about my voice reverting, and it did, a little.  I lost a little of my vocal fry range, and my voice seems to have lost 1-2 months of progress based on recordings.  (I did not make recordings while off T, so I'm comparing my first week back on T with older recordings.)  When my voice got stuck in a higher range, it did so for longer than when I was on T, or perhaps it was just harder to get it unstuck.  I have no clue what causes that.

Metabolism:
I slept so much off T, not because I felt like I needed it, but because I could not wake up to my alarm.  I thought it was psychosomatic, but after intervention from others, it became clear that I was actually unable to get up after even nine hours of sleep.  I also had several bouts of multi-day insomnia.  I couldn't get myself onto a regular schedule

Body hair:
The ingrown hairs on my chest did not calm down as much as I'd hoped, just a little.

Cycles:
Unsurprisingly, I didn't magically stop getting periods while off T.  I was sort of hoping it at least I'd get more time between periods, but, alas, no, I seem to have leveled out to cycles barely exceeding three weeks regardless of T.

Fat:
I had feelings about my hips being awfully hip-like while off T.  I didn't take any measurements, though, so I don't know for sure if anything changed.

Sex drive:
I was surprised that this really didn't change at all during my break from T.  I still had to get off at least once a day to fend off the madness.

Chest:
I'm grateful it didn't go back to the pre-T size (about a cup size bigger).  I was binding less while off T by spending more time working from home (yay social anxiety), and my breathing problems continued to worsen.

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Emotions:
When I went back on T, I was expecting the anxiety to improve, and it did, over the course of a couple days.  But I was also borderline manic for about a week, like I was for the first three-ish weeks on T the first time around.  That was also not fun, especially for my partner who fears me when I'm manic.

Metabolism:
I slept for days after starting T.  I was awake for perhaps 6 of 48 hours.  Crazy!  I now wake up to my alarm and feel like I have energy in the morning.

Facial hair:
Well, I definitely have enough to shave now.  My upper lip sports a light shadow, not enough for me to bother shaving yet, but I've accepted the inevitable.  When I shaved my sideburns, I realized how much hair I have growing on my jaw line, enough that the area I shaved extends beyond what I'd call sideburns on anyone else.  It takes two weeks to have enough regrowth to cause a spiky shadow.  Also, I am growing a mean unibrow and am not really doing anything about it anymore.

Cycles:
Two weeks back on T, I got an extra heavy period with especially nasty cramps, although I was spared the PMS I previously got on T.  The cycle was the average length of my on-T cycles, so, really fuckin' short.

Chest:
After that period, my chesticles were swollen like woah.  I tried a new deodorant for a week and have switched back in fear that it may be the cause because even when my chest responded to hormonal fluctuations, it did so at a different point in the cycle.  Unrelated to that, I've been binding more since re-starting T, and my breathing hasn't really suffered too much.

Voice:
I didn't feel that tight throat thing that I got during the first few weeks on T, but my voice has definitely gotten lower since re-starting T, probably catching up entirely for whatever I lost during my little break.  When I'm not in vocal fry, my voice sounds decidedly masculine to me in my recordings, whereas it didn't entirely before.  It sometimes cracks, and sometimes I'm not comfortable with my normal speaking voice, but the objectivity of the recordings provides perspective.

Fat:
It really doesn't seem possible, but I felt like my hips got less hippy or whatever during the two weeks after I restarted T.

Body hair:
I'm still getting ingrown hairs on my chest, but at a slower rate than before my little T vacation.  Also, the hair on my upper and inner thighs is going a little crazy, and I kinda like it.  My calves are officially hairier than my partner's (we're both Eastern European), and I'm definitely loving that.

Acne:
My acne got worse when I started again, especially on my chin, neck, and back.  After about ten days back on T, my face started getting mega-oily again (although that could be cycle-related).  My hair took about twice as long to go into oil overdrive but has calmed down after my last period.  *sigh*  Cyclic oil production is annoying.

Scent:
My body odor has been truly offensive lately.  I smell pungent and acidic.  This has happened before, on and off T, and it was already somewhat bad when I stopped, but it was cranked up to 11 when I restarted T.

Hair:
I gave up on being able to see my hairline change a long time ago.  I got a haircut a few weeks ago and noticed in the mirror when playing with it afterwards that my hairline is definitely more square than it used to be.  It still looks feminine, but it's at least changed.

Everything else:
I did, in fact, learn to shave.  I'm embarrassed to say I actually had fun with it and was disappointed I didn't have enough hair to do it again until two weeks later.  *facepalm*  Passing has been more misses than hits, though I suspect it was due to a hit to my confidence from stopping T rather than any physical changes.  I have been having Feelings with a capital F about my chest and am pressuring myself to make a decision about top surgery ASAP.  This tactic is not working.  I have reason to believe that my breathing troubles may be psychosomatic, which is Concerning with a capital C, evidently.  Oh, and in case I didn't say it enough times already, I am not planning to take another break for a very long time indeed.
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