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Hello My Name Is Ilan Reshon

The rest is history.

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This post is embarrassingly doubly backdated.  This first part is from last Monday, 6/22.

I almost forgot to write this one! Today was my second half-dose injection and my last T shot before surgery. I had a rough week on the half dose. I had to leave work early on two days due to panic attacks triggered by nothing in particular. I met with my psychiatrist today and requested something for the anxiety because I can't get work done like this. I've fallen behind and don't have any good excuses for my advisor.

In the magical land of T changes, I'm finding that my bigger junk isn't that big a deal after all, which is what I concluded the last few times I noticed growth spurts. That's a good thing. I've also noticed a lot more hair on my arms, and even the backs of my hands.  This is a very welcome change. My voice has dropped substantially in the two months I've been on injections. A few of you have heard my voice before and commented that it was a lot deeper than expected, so, yeah, now it's pretty disproportionately low, in relation to the rest of me. I'm actually not sure I like it. It feels heavy in my throat, if that makes any sense, and it doesn't sound any more like myself to my ears. But I think about my voice a lot less now than I did even a year ago, so I take that as a good sign. Still, I'm seriously thinking of going back to 1% gel after top surgery, because the shot cycle is not at all working for my delicate mental health.

I started writing this yesterday, 6/29, but had friends over to distract me from my worrying so didn't finish until today.

I haven't been posting nearly as much as I should.  I've been really nervous, mostly about my impending top surgery tomorrow.  Being off T tends to make my general anxiety worse (I was actually prescribed something for that for the first time in something like seven years), but I'm finding myself more scattered than anything else.  My biggest worry is about my partner's reaction in terms of sexual attraction, but I'm also afraid I'm doing "the wrong thing" as if I somehow don't have the right to do this.  I did, however, get to the point that I think even if I do decide later that I shouldn't have done it, at the very least future me will probably have enough compassion for present me to not become obsessively bitter. I have so many things to do now to prepare, like packing and eating/drinking as much as I can before midnight, when I have to start fasting.  I'll try to post again before and throughout the week or two I'll be off work, but wish me luck anyway, if you believe in that kind of thing.

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